My modest proposal: equal hair for all!

Republished from the Press and Journal

Brothers and sisters, it’s good to be on the side of progress in 2015.

Today in America, marriage is no longer considered a conjugal bond to rear children. The rich and middle-class must pay for the health care of the poor. Across the land, restrooms and locker room are being opened to all genders regardless of biology. The last vestiges of the Antebellum South – including the Confederate Flag – are being removed from public life.

Yes, it’s a good era in which to be liberal.

There is no doubt history will judge us correct in our struggle against the patriarchal reactionary forces that wish to keep us shackled in the 19th century. After all, our side represents progress and equality for all!

Unfortunately, a new front has emerged in our war of equaling. It is located in the western part of Pennsylvania, our great progressive state. A barbershop run by a burly, misogynistic poor excuse for a citizen is refusing to cut women’s hair. The barber, John Interval of Washington County, was rightfully fined $750 by the state’s Bureau of Professional and Occupational Affairs after a comrade-in-arms informed on him.