Dear Silicon Valley,
No seriously. Leave the country, or stop furtively trying to tinker with it through the Democratic Party.
As a conservative, I’ve had it up to *here* with your quest to redefine humanity through technology and idealistic visions. Haven’t any of you watched Terminator? You’re creating Skynet, and don’t seem to have any qualms about it. The time has come for you to vacate America and leave us sensible people to our traditional ways.
Now, I realize my demands might sound mad, hysterical even. But this is no joke. Silicon Valley is poisoning the country. It’s time for you to break off and form your own techno free-for-all land of fake girlfriends and endless pornography. I implore you to expedite the process before you further corrupt America’s impressionable minds.
Of course, I’m aware that there are right-leaning politicians who champion the innovation occurring in Silicon Valley. Former Florida governor Jeb Bush recently visited San Francisco-based Thumbtack, arriving in an Uber and complementing the tech industry for identifying and fixing problems while Washington only creates messes. The result? He was treated to a fusillade of questions on the discrimination of gays. That was some real hospitality, fellas. Sorry, but if you’re looking for vindication of your lifestyle from a pol, your priorities are straight as Richard Simmons (yes, that’s a gay joke, cry me a river).
Kentucky senator Rand Paul has made some overtures your way as well. But you’ve all largely rebuked him, because he has personal convictions that don’t fully align with yours. Many of you techies don’t like him because he opposes net neutrality, an excuse for the government to control and regulate the very industry you want to foster and build. I don’t understand that one. If you want to turn the tech industry into the Department of Motor Vehicles, why not just say it explicitly?
I get it – you don’t like Republicans. Fine; neither do I on most days. But the real problem with Silicon Valley and your dreamy, data-obsessed conception of reality isn’t that you don’t support the GOP. Rather, it’s because you suck up to the most corrupt person on the planet: Hillary Clinton. Everyone from Sheryl Sandberg to Susan Wojcicki and Elon Musk have all cut checks for a woman who doesn’t drive a car or type her own emails. You all use “open” and “accountability” as buzzwords, yet the former first lady is more secretive and conniving than Montgomery Burns.
The big-money going to Hillary Clinton tells me and the rest of the country all we need to know. According to Politico, your allegiance isn’t with pro-market types that would give you the freedom to operate independently with little regulation. Instead, your focus is social liberalism, with all the sodomy, drug use, and culture corrosion that comes with it. It’s like you want a Democrat in the White House to tell you that fisting is an appropriate sexual act. And you’re willing to team up with government regulators if it means dismantling the startup environment that first created Silicon Valley.
You tech wizzes aren’t just killing your own business ethos, you’re taking the rest of the country down with you. Let’s not pretend tech is still the industry of car garage offices and college dropouts. You are the elites. Your products dominate the attention spans of all Americans, both lower and upper class. And your personal philosophies filter through to their lives, whether you know it or not. Sexual autonomy, personal independence, and eschewing traditional bonds may work well when your work 16 hours a day and have catered lunch provided at the office. But the vast majority of Americans don’t enjoy such perks. They must make do paycheck to paycheck. They don’t get to behave like children until they turn 45. The liberation you preach is a form of bondage for the average, middle-class worker. It’s sheer chaos for those in poverty.
I have to give you guys credit for one thing: The spiritual destruction you deliver through an infinite number of smartphone apps is still not widely acknowledged. There are plenty of libertarians out there who are enamored with every little gizmo produced in your workshops. Misled writers like Jeffrey Tucker, Max Borders, and Nick Gillespie actually believe technology will set us free from government oppression. They cite such things as the Arab Spring and the sharing economy to bolster their love of all things digital. I think they are dumber than doorknobs for believing in salvation via digitization. The fact that Uber is spending millions lobbying for favors from government officials shows just how in bed with the state tech giants really are.
I thought that after the Edward Snowden revelations about the government’s panopticon-like spying apparatus, the tech community would rebel against Washington. Instead, you’ve all accepted the intrusion into personal privacy. And for that, I can only offer one recommendation: detach from the nation at large.
I hear there are a few tech dweebs who want to break off from the federal regulatory hell the rest of America has to deal with. That sounds splendid to me. You can create what Balaji Srinivasan, co-founder of Counsyl, calls an “opt-in society.” That is, you can create a state all to your own. Leave the U.S. and live on reddit, or what other asinine online filth message board you want.
There is only one other option: If you’re going to play footsie with D.C., why not just move to Washington? Stop sucking up California’s air (and water) and plant your fiberoptic tuckus right next to Uncle Sam’s. At least the American people won’t have any more pretenses about the independent streak within Silicon Valley. If you tech losers want to be government bureaucrats, then go do it.
I’m no longer fooled by your talk of creating a prosperous future devoid of the past’s small-minded view of things. When Andy Wiessman, a partner of the firm Union Square Ventures, told the New Yorker that “it’s very good” to “creatively destroy everything that has gone before,” I knew the jig was up. This isn’t about meeting consumer’s demands. It’s about reforming the world to the vision of men who think they’re gods. Silicon Valley is the new Tower of Babel, and it needs to secede before it destroys the rest of the nation.
So take your gluten-free diets, your A.D.D.-causing software, your porn machines, and your “singularity” and leave the country. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, as they say. And may God bless your souls, even if you don’t believe in that sort of thing.
James E. Miller
P.S. – On a final note, what is this quackery that passes for your eating habits? You stand in line for hours at posh restaurants in order to show off that you’re “on a diet”? You deliberately starve yourselves through juice cleanses and malnutrition to be trendy? There are people who go hungry in America, and you guys eat gruel fit for a concentration camp for nourishment. Get over yourselves, and eat a burger, dammit.