Lindsey Graham: The neoreactionary candidate

Because democracy is a polite name for anarchy, we men of the right hate to vote. Voting is to power what porn is to sex; both are shameful and to be avoided.

Because democracy is fitful, however, every now and again it presents an opportunity, like a ray of sunlight piercing a violent storm, to restore stable and orderly government. Often this occurs when formerly respected institutions are breaking down, like the rule of law. In Chile, for example, military rule was legitimized by the lower house of their legislature, after Salvador Allende refused to enforce the rulings of the Supreme Court.

Given the current president’s penchant for governing by executive fiat and ignoring the duly enacted laws of this country — such as the fourth and fifth amendments, or immigration law (a full account of the administration’s crimes is beyond the scope of this article) — you should not need convincing that we are in a similar situation.

Only one man appreciates the need to bring military power to bear against feckless politicians, and he is expected to announce his campaign for president on June 1. If your goal is to hasten the demise of degenerate American democracy and bring about government by the strong and the virtuous, there is only one man in the 2016 presidential race for you; that man is Lindsey Graham. The senator is already frustrating other Republican hopefuls’ attempts to make inroads in his domain of South Carolina.

We want government to run like a business. There is only one man who has stated a willingness to sell cabinet appointments; that man is also Lindsey Graham. He let on recently that he may have the “first all-Jewish cabinet in America because of the pro-Israel funding.” It would be shortsighted to allow anti-semitism to get in the way of what would be the largest step in history towards running America like a joint-stock corporation.

His record indicates a capricious authoritarianism worthy of Caligula, and there would be no better pretext for crushing dissent at home than a new war with Iran.

The never-married senator has been hounded about his dainty patois, earning nicknames like “Miss Lindsey” and “Huckleberry Closetcase.” To his credit, he has let the rumors stay rumors, no doubt with an aristocrat’s sense that, no matter how baroque one’s sexuality, best to keep it private and don’t frighten the horses — or in his case, Carolina baptists and a casino tycoon. God may expect better of him; we mortals should not question our betters.

If you harbor lingering doubts about the act of voting, bear in mind that detractors could be punished in the new regime. Consider it an oath of fealty. Those who find him distasteful can be reassured that a man who talks like that won’t last long in a military government.

Vote for a coup, vote Lindsey Graham.

This is the #OfficialNeoreactionaryPosition.

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5 comments

  1. And here I thought Hillary Clinton was the candidate that would give the country what it deserves, err, needs, but I am persuaded by your superior powers of persuasion! Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Lindsey in 2016!

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